.png)
From Ashes to Beauty - Our Story of Miscarriage - Part 2
This Can't Be Happening!
The next few days were filled with a range of emotions... surprise that I was pregnant, excitement, nervousness... I experienced it all. My husband and I spent all our free time thinking about all the new things that were to come with a baby... Changes we'd make to our small home to accommodate our baby, when / how I would tell my boss, which pediatricians we would see, and so on.
On Monday, May 16, 2011 my life changed. I woke up that morning and I immediately knew something was wrong. I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed bright red spotting. As I got ready for work, I noticed it was becoming a little more pronounced. Our doctor had told us to look for that. When I called their office, I was told that some spotting is normal and that some women spot through their entire pregnancy but to come get checked out just to be sure. James was getting ready for work himself. He had picked up an extra shift and was working in the ICU at a different hospital. They were incredibly short-staffed that day and needed him. I told him to go on to work, that I wanted to get checked out before we start worrying, and that I'd call him when I found out for sure.
It was about 7-something in the morning. I had to call my boss, Stacey, and tell her that I was on the way to the ER because I thought I was miscarrying. Not only was she my boss at the time, I considered her a dear friend. I had chatted with her briefly after we found out that we were pregnant, so that she was aware since I would have to adjust my work schedule for doctor appointments.
The next call I made was to one of my best girlfriends, Amy. She worked in the hospital ER where I was headed, and I thought she was working that morning. As I was driving, I made the call to her. She answered the phone, and I asked if she was at the ER. She said yes, and asked what was wrong. That was the moment the tears began to flow. I told her I was pretty sure I was having a miscarriage. I hadn't even told her yet that I was pregnant... I could hear the surprise and grief in her voice as she told me to come on, that she was there, and she'd meet me at the door. When I pulled into the parking lot, she met me there, hugged me tight and cried with me. After a few minutes, she walked me into the hospital and got me checked in.
That morning was such a blur. Amy came back and forth to check on me while she was working with other patients, and keeping in close contact with James to keep him updated. They were calling and texting back and forth.
To my surprise, my two bosses, Stacey and Amanda had cleared their entire schedules for the morning and showed up at the hospital. They sat with me in the ER through all the tests, ultrasounds, and blood-work. Stacey comforted me and Amanda has an uncanny ability to make you laugh even when you are hurting. I am thankful for her lightening the mood because my energy was spent.
A few moments before the doctor came in, everyone had spread out. Stacey and Amanda headed back to our office. Amy was managing another patient, and I sat on the gurney and just prayed. I knew that God had given and was taking this child for a reason. As much as it hurt, I couldn't be angry at Him because He had been so good and faithful to me. I knew there was something more to this.
(Tick, Tick, Tick, Tick) The doctor came in and sat down next to me. He looked to be in his 40's or so. He gently patted my knee as he spoke. "I'm sorry Mrs. Ledford, I hate to be the one to tell you, but it looks as though you are, in fact, miscarrying your baby. Your HCG numbers have dropped significantly since Thursday. Your body has to get back down to zero before we can say that your miscarriage is definitive, but you are close. I'll schedule a follow up with your primary OB for next week. I truly am sorry." Then we discussed the possibility of a DNC. He told me that if I was able to pass all the tissue on my own, then I wouldn't have to go through that.
I will never forget the look in that sweet doctor's face. I don't remember his name, but I sure wish I did. Before he entered the room, I had cried until I had no more tears left, but in that moment I felt like I could lose it all again. I knew that if I had allowed myself to start again that he would start bawling too. He was a Christian man, and the look in his eyes are forever burned in my heart. That doctor's kindness and gentleness in that moment was everything I needed to pick myself up so that I could go home and continue to grieve my loss. The pain in my heart was the worst thing I'd ever felt in my life.
I picked up my things, signed all my paperwork, and Amy walked me to my car. I sobbed as I drove home. It was something like 10 or 15 minutes, but it felt like the longest drive in the world. God and I did a WHOLE LOT of talking. But mostly, I spent my time telling Him that I trusted Him and that whatever choice he made, I would praise Him in the sunshine or the storm.
I called James and confirmed what the doctor had said, and told him I'd see him when he got home. There was nothing he could do, and besides there were people in the ICU that needed him more. I felt in the moment that there was no sense in making a fuss over something we couldn't control. We would pray, and trust, and keep going on with life... even if it was hard.
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."
- Deut. 31:8 (ESV)
That day is forever burned in my heart. As sad as I was, there are SO MANY BLESSINGS and lessons that came out of it. I will forever remember how faithful God was to place all of the right people in the right places at just the right time that I would need each of their unique qualities. You see, He had gone before me. He had already perfectly orchestrated this beautiful story that was unfolding.
Join me tomorrow for Part 3 of our story.
We will end with Part 4 on Monday!
Resting in His presence,
