From Ashes to Beauty - Our Story of Miscarriage - Part 3

Oct 31, 2016

Overcoming the Hurt

After I left the hospital, I was spent. I had cried for hours. I just wanted to go home and crawl in my bed... which I did. On the drive home, I prayed hard. I couldn't control what was happening to me, but I could control my reaction to it, so I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life. I promised God that no matter what, I wouldn't be angry at Him, and that I would trust whatever He was doing. A peace washed over me that I cannot explain.

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. {Psalm 55:22}

When James got home, he was somber. He came upstairs and sat on the side of the bed with me and we cried together. It was the second time I'd ever seen him cry in my life. He doesn't really show a lot of emotion, so seeing him weep over this miracle that we had for only a short time broke my heart. So many times when something like this happens, everyone forgets that there's also a dad involved and they hurt too. While I was still grieving this loss, I tried to be tender to what he was going through as well. We talked a LOT about what happened and what we were thinking. There were also times where we just sat next to each other in silence... because sometimes just being present for the other person is just as encouraging.

At some point that evening, I got out of bed, and our pastor at the time and his wife came to visit us. Our pastor's wife had been through my situation, and knew what I was going through. She comforted & encouraged me, and before they left, they both prayed with us.

The next day (Tuesday), I tried to get out of the house. Retail therapy could fix anything right? Well, not really... Only Jesus can do that! The hour or two out of the house in the sunshine did me a little bit of good though. I had picked up a book at LifeWay called Empty Arms, and I ended up spending the rest of the day reading that book. That words in that book encouraged me so much and helped me begin to process what had happened.

By Wednesday, I just needed out of my house. When I was growing up my papaw and mamaw taught me that no matter what happened, if the world was falling apart around you, that you get up, go to work, and keep going. It's what I knew, so that's what I did. I really loved my job at the hospital, and I just wanted to be back there... I wanted a sense of normalcy. When I walked in on Wednesday morning, the first person I saw was my friend Kasey. She was the other assistant in our department at the time, and she took over for me whenever I was out of the office. She immediately wrapped her arms around me (she wasn't much of a hugger so that was BIG!). She told me that she loved me and if I needed to cry that it was okay. She said to let her know I needed some time and she'd make sure no one came in my office.

As I sat at my desk that first morning back, I wept several times throughout the day (and the days following), but that sense of normalcy and purpose also helped me cope. I was incredibly surprised at how many of the women around me had gone through miscarriages - even women in my own office. While miscarriage is very common, it is rarely discussed. That first week, so many ladies came up to me and offered sweet words of comfort and shared their own experiences. Those sweet moments were truly appreciated, and I still cherish them.

{Side Note: If you are ever in the space of someone who's going through this - reach out! Just love them the best you can - whether it's a hug, an I'm here for you, or an I've been there. Trust me, it does help.}

I also followed up with my doctor. I had another ultrasound, and was able to pass all the tissue on my own so I was fortunate that I didn't have to go through a DNC. My FNP was very encouraging to James and me. She was thrilled with the fact that I was able to even get pregnant despite the PCOS diagnosis. She told us that normally when someone miscarries like I did, that there is usually something wrong with the baby. She said that God designed our bodies to know when something is wrong, and when it is, the body does what it can to reset itself. Likely, that's what happened to me. Then, she told us not to wait too long to try again... she explained that couples that wait a long time after a miscarriage tend to really struggle with worry, discouragement, fear, and that often it becomes harder to get pregnant the longer you wait. She encouraged us to wait one cycle and try again.

Throughout all of this, God had His hand in it all, and I was learning what it meant to pray without ceasing and to press into Him. See, He'd already known what was going to happen. He already had put everyone in place - from the doctors to friends to church family and so on. Every piece of this was so well orchestrated. The days and weeks following the miscarriage were HARD, but I had a peace like I had never felt before. My pastor says that's the LORD's peace.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee {Isaiah 26:3}

The Wednesday that I went back to work, Amazing Grace, My Chains Are Gone came on the radio, and it was so random that I knew instantly that God meant it for me. That song has become "my song". It's the only one that I hear, and it moves me to tears instantly. In the beginning, it was tears of sadness and hope, and then it became tears of joy and goodness! God has been SO GOOD to me! Over the years that song has served as such a reminder of His goodness... it has followed me from the midst of the storm to the beauty that came from the ashes.

You see, while there have been so many lessons that have come from that season of my life, the one that stands out to me the most is Trust God. No matter what. He is good and wants the best for us.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you {1 Peter 5:7}

When I was in the midst of that trial, I spent so much of that time praying and praising. Could I have been bitter? Sure. Could I have been angry? Absolutely. But I CHOSE not to be. I chose to trust God's plan for me. Even in the midst of it all, even in the all the hurt and pain, I could feel Him drawing me into Himself. He wanted to be the One that I put my trust in.

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding {Proverbs 3:5}

I recently heard the analogy that as we pour scripture into our lives, it sits on top of our heart until it breaks... and then it pours in. That is exactly what it was like for me. All of those things that I had learned and heard in church over the years, I began to live... I began to feel.

Coping with this kind of loss can happen in many forms. For me, healing happened through: