Helping a Friend Who is Struggling

When you go through a crisis, you truly learn who is meant to be in your life for that season... Over the years, God has always perfectly positioned people in my life that were just the right piece of my puzzle of life for that time.

When I had my miscarriage in 2011, God had placed several women in my office that had been through the same thing before I ever started at that job. My pastor's wife had also experienced it, and was perfectly placed in my life too. He used those women to minister to me in a mighty way during that season, and that has, in turn, helped me to minister to others who have gone through the same/similar experiences.

When we moved to North Carolina, He put people in my life who were grounded here and helped me find my way.

He put four special mentors in our lives to help guide us as young parents and newlyweds.

And even now, as I walk the healing journey I'm currently on, God has perfectly positioned people in my life that have been instrumental in helping keep my faith strong and encourage me along the way.

I am used to being the one pouring into everyone else, so switching sides and being on the receiving end is quite different. The Lord has definitely used it to humble me. Sometimes I don't know what to say or how to respond without sounding awkward. Do you do that? Then, you second guess every word you spoke for hours on end after the conversation has already ended. Yep, totally me. Hah! Sometimes, I am not quite eloquent in my responses, but the people who have poured into me didn't seem to mind.

I rarely complain about my situation, but I am thankful to have a handful of ladies I'm close to that I can share the tough side of this healing journey with.... things like the headaches, vomiting, my fears, and challenges. I can also share with them the blessings, the victories, the things that God is teaching me in the midst, and they are gracious even when they can't always relate to the things I've been through.

Through my health journey, we have faced many scary things, and these friends have been towers of strength when I had none (or at the least, very little). I am always puzzled when people comment on how strong they think I have been, when in reality, it has been the LORD sustaining me the whole way. He truly is a GOOD, GOOD Father.

As I reflect on all the ways that people have encouraged me over the last year, it dawned on me that many folks may not know how to help or encourage someone who is going through a tough season or health challenge. So I thought I'd make a short list (you know I love a good list) for the next time you hear of someone who's going through something.

In the beginning when people would ask me how they could help, I knew they meant it, but the question always caught me off guard. I would have a major brain fart and never could think of anything in the moment. Thankfully our community of people just sprung into action and took the initiative on their own.

Ways to help someone who is going through a tough time:

Bring a meal - Feeding people is about as southern as it gets when it comes to hospitality. Several ladies in my church, my friend group, and even a few neighbors have provided us with a meal here and there. When I first arrived home from the hospital, that was an incredible blessing because I didn't have the energy to get up and go to the potty, let alone cook a meal. As I transitioned to the IV infusions, having those few meals provided in April were such a help! Freezer meals are great because they can be saved and eaten at a convenient time. (PS - If you provided a meal for us - THANK YOU!! We are forever grateful for you!!)

Pick up a gift card - this is something that is quick and easy. Some people going through tough times may not be able to think of a way for you to pitch in, so gift cards are a great way to help. Some good ideas are gas, grocery store, meal, or reloadable gift cards that can be used anywhere. When someone is going through an illness, a death, etc. the costs of travelling, appointments, doctors, etc. really adds up. This is something that you can do that is a small gesture that goes a long way!

Do a load of laundry - Some folks are particular about their laundry, so you might ask before doing this one, BUT... having a friend pop by to help catch up the laundry can be a big assistance to someone going through a hard time.

Cleaning - this was another great idea! A dear friend of ours came and spent a few hours helping me get my house chores caught up when I was still experiencing the extreme fatigue, and I can never thank her enough for that blessing she gave us!

Offer to babysit... and follow up on a time to do that - If the person who is having a hard time has children, offer to help with them, and then schedule a time to do that. I am SO THANKFUL for friends, family, and friends who are like family that have helped out with our kiddos during this time. Our nearest family members are 5+ hours away, so parenting duties fall exclusively on me and my husband. We do not have the luxury of grandparents taking the kids for the weekend, like many of our friends. I had several folks that offered to babysit (or) took our kids along with them to whatever activity they had planned for their family. That was such a huge blessing for us and the kids! We had a dear friend that took our kids along with her family to the sprayground when I got home from the hospital. That same friend kept our kids for a few hours so we could have a lunch date together. Another friend Easter "egged" our house & surprised our kids with an egg hunt (including prize eggs with treats inside) because they had to miss our church's annual egg hunt. All of these sweet gestures gave us a mental and physical break, while giving our kiddos fun activities to do.

Get them out of the house - two of my friends took me out for coffee and dessert when I was struggling with being stuck in the house for days on end. Just getting out of the house for a little bit and getting some fresh air made a huge difference!

Give a Care Package - One of my mentors surprised me with a blessing box, and THAT was truly a blessing. I had no idea it was coming, but it happened to arrive at a time when I was beginning to feel exasperated but hadn't verbalized that. Somehow she just knew that this little pick-me-up would do just that. Ideas may be something spa related, or a journal with pretty pens and an inspirational bookmark, etc. Pinterest has fantastic ideas for things like this. I am sure the person you know who is struggling would appreciate this because it lets them know you took the time to think about what they would like.

Send a card via snail mail - This is such a treat! No one ever sends handwritten notes anymore, but those little cards and notes that arrived in the mailbox kept me going when I felt alone or like I was going to fall apart. I am sure they will for the person you know who's struggling too. Just to know that someone cared enough to sit down for 10 minutes and write a note of encouragement or to let you know they are praying will put a smile on someone's face every time! Let's face it - we all get bills or sale papers in the mail, but a card is a simple token of your thoughts that can really bless someone's day!

Pick up the phone and CALL THEM! This is something that our society is really lacking in - personal communication. The rise of email and texting has allowed us to communicate without really communicating. Take the time to call the person and just see how they are... I am so grateful for the ladies who picked up the phone just to spend a few minutes seeing how I was and encouraging me. Sometimes the person going through a struggle might not be willing to or know how to reach out to let you know, but if you take the initiative, they may just open up.

Give them space & dig deeper- this one is something that I didn't really know I needed at the time. I am so grateful for the friends who gave me a comfortable space to be me... To laugh, to cry, to talk about how I was truly feeling. I'll never forget the conversation where my friend Jenn asked me - "how are you... like, how are you really doing?" We've been friends for 10 years, and she knew I'm not someone who will just come out and say, "hey, I'm overwhelmed over here", so she took the opportunity to dig deeper and ask questions. She seemed to know when to pull back, and when to press in, when to pray, and I am forever grateful for those many conversations with her. My friend Hannah and had a few couch conversations... she let me shed tears that had been pent up, and encouraged me that God has it all under control while she pointed me back to him. Those people allowed me a safe spot to relieve some of the "pent up things," and then we prayed over them and moved on! What a blessing that was!

PRAY for your friend - If you do nothing else, pray for your friend who is struggling. Don't just pray when it's convenient or only when you think about it. Set aside a designated time to pray for that friend each day. Maybe it's on your lunch break or before bed, but please take the time to intercede on their behalf. The prayers of many have reached God's ears, and I truly believe that is why God spared me. I have several friends from church, including a special couple that find us every week, and make sure to let us know that they pray for us every day. (If you are reading this, friends - you know who you are, and we are so grateful for you! That gesture has meant so much to us!)

These are just a few of the things that blessed us over the last year, and I am sure they would bless someone else you know who is struggling or going through a tough time. I am sure there are many more that can be added to the list!

While the person may not always ask for help or know what to say when you ask what they need, I promise you that the little things mean the most and will never be forgotten!

With love,

Kimberly